Stories
When you and your friends are a bunch of lighthearted goofballs, a lot of stories come up over the years. The humor is usually at somebody's expense, but everybody else is entertained, so it's for the greater good. I'm not sure how funny they are to outsiders, but hopefully anybody can get a kick out of them. I'll add more stories over time as I think of them and as they happen.
The life of hummus added 6/1/07
Once upon a time, there were some lonely ingredients by themselves - chickpeas surrounded by the cold dark walls of an aluminum can, garlic sitting alone on the counter, lemon juice, cumin, olive oil, salt.....all hoping for personal significance and meaning. That time came on May 23, 2007 when a nice young lad named Jason decided to introduce them to each other in the crazy upbeat atmosphere of an Oster blender. They enjoyed being consumed by humans with crackers the rest of the week. But alas, there was some left when the time came for Jason to head to Michigan! So he packed them into a small rubbermaid container with some crackers in his backpack. But the time wasn't right to finish consuming this concoction; Jason chose chinese food on the way home. And the rest of the weekend continued the theme of rejecting poor hummus. First, an indian dinner, then cooking at Chad/Christy's, then a wedding reception dinner, then cookout at dad's, then cookout at Kevin's....and the poor hummus traveled from Brad/Jill's to Chad/Christy's, but continued to sit there lonely, in the fridge. Jason, not wanting to give up on poor hummus, decided to pack them into his backpack for the trip home, to snack on. But at MBS airport, we ran into a snag. Poor hummus qualified as a "liquid or a cream" at airport security. With no other choice, Jason poured poor hummus down the side of a nearby trashcan in order to travel through security. Poor hummus, surviving thousands of miles of travel, three refrigerators, patiently waiting for somebody to take them into their stomach, ending its lonely life down the side of a metal trashcan at MBS security. Poor hummus.
The naming of the Bizarro added 2/27/07
The honor to telling this story goes to the Bizarro himself. If he gets around to writing the story, you can find it here.
"What's he looking for?" added 2/27/07
My brother Chad and I went to see "There's Something About Mary" in the theatres when it was released in 1998. At this time, Chad was 21 years old, and I was 23. It should be noted at this point, that we were raised in a very sheltered, conservative household. With that said, let's move on: We were watching the movie and thoroughly enjoying it, along with the other 500 people in the theatre, as there were very few empty seats. Then the movie gets to the scene where Ben Stiller is in the bathroom by himself before his date with Cameron Diaz. He took the advice from his friend to never go out on a date with a "loaded gun". So he finishes his duty, but doesn't see where "it" went, so he's looking all around the bathroom for it. At this point, Chad turns to me with a confused look on his face and says, "What's he looking for?" I'm immediately embarrassed and I hope the situation will just resolve itself. But Chad is persistent. Much more loudly, he hisses: "JASON, WHAT'S HE LOOKING FOR?!" At this point, people in the row in front of us have started giggling. Utterly embarrassed, I turned to Chad and answered his question. This ended the conversation, but not the laughter in front of us.
Mom versus Dad added 2/27/07
The three English Brothers have had.....let's just say, a very diverse array of influences in our childhood. If there is a spectrum of personalities, our mother is at one end, and our father is at the opposite. It is an absolute wonder that our parents were ever together for more than 3 seconds. Nonetheless, they somehow decided it was a good idea to get married and have three children. The divorce followed when I was 8 years old. With that said.....let's get to the funny stuff.
A few years ago, we were at a family wedding, and the three English brothers were hanging out at the bar with some cousins and our dad. There was a little bit of alcohol greasing the skids, and we started to talk about family life when we were young. There was a little bit of tension in the air; not because there is any negative feelings towards one other, but mainly because we haven't discussed family matters very often growing up. We were talking about how different mom and dad are, and how we can't fathom how they were ever together. Our dad, wanting to liven up the conversation a little bit, responded: "Well, I was drunk a lot". That received some chuckles. Then there was a silence for a few seconds, and Brad looked up and said to dad: "Well, it looks like mom got drunk at least three times."